Friday, July 25, 2008

FIX Looks AT Bouvet Island

Bouvet - The Forgotten Paradise
The People
Bouvet Nights - Nightlife on the south atlantics premier night spot
Mining on Bouvet - a Brief History
Camera, Lights, Action! Films Shot on Bouvet
Extreme Sports
Bouvet Real-Estate Market
Recent Nuclear Bombs Dropped on Bouvet
Cable TV. Newsflash: Bouvet Cable TV (BCTV) will carry BBC World Service soon.
The Unsavory Side.
Bouvet Unexplained.
Essay: The Bouvet Liberation Front (BLF) - Where do we stand today?
Travel and Transportation on Bouvet



  • Bouvet - The Forgotten Paradise

  • The People

  • Shopping

  • Bouvet Nights - Nightlife on the south atlantics premier night spot

  • Mining on Bouvet - a Brief History

  • Attractions

  • Camera, Lights, Action! Films Shot on Bouvet

  • Extreme Sports

  • Bouvet Real-Estate Market

  • Recent Nuclear Bombs Dropped on Bouvet

  • Cable TV. Newsflash: Bouvet Cable TV (BCTV) will carry BBC World Service soon.

  • The Unsavory Side.

  • Bouvet Unexplained.

  • Classifieds

  • Essay: The Bouvet Liberation Front (BLF) - Where do we stand today?

  • Travel and Transportation on Bouvet

Bouvet Island - The Forgotten Paradise

Some background information to set the stage.
If you've ever dreamed about getting away from it all, then you could do worse than head for the Norwegian island of Bouvetøya:
it's the most isolated island on earth, a virtual forgotten haven of peace and tranquility. Bouvetøya lies approximately 1,600 km south-west
of Cape Agulhas on the continent of South Africa, Bouvetøya covers about 54 square kilometers.
The highest point is Olavtoppen (780m). On September 22, 1979, a thermonuclear bomb test very probably occurred in the vicinity of Bouvetøya. Though
no country ever admitted to setting off a nuclear device there, an orbiting satellite detected a very brief, intense burst of light and
magnetic, seismographic and ionospheric evidence all point to a nuclear blast. Personnel at Australian Antarctic stations later detected
radiation and radioactive debris. It is now believed that the test was carried out by the South Africans.
Important occupants of the island are seabirds, penguins, seals and Elephant Seals, principally on the western coastline.
You will get better acquainted with the island's cast of characters very shortly.

Current Inhabitants of Bouvet Island

The cast is as follows:

  1. Stu "Renegade" Robertson: Bartender of Larsoya 's premier night spot, 'The Dodgy Penguin' and Officer for the liquor licences of the Kari Islands.

  2. Nikita "Prizefighter" Zhumilov: Head Judge, Jury, Executioner and Journalist (Freelance), Head of Nuclear Development Authority (Bouvet Proper), Communications Director for the Bouvet Liberation Front, ... moreResident Scientist.

  3. Trond "Troika" Trondsen: Head of Police (Vice Squad, Penguin Affairs, Covert Ops), and the Non-proliferation and National Security Division

  4. Roberto Hoffa: Leader of "The Bouvet Waddlers"

Rules of the Bouvet Roads

  • Penguins have the right of way.

  • Roadkill must be removed before sunset (call Jeb at the Roadkill Cafe).

  • It is forbidden to shoot penguins from a moving vehicle

  • Bhang percentage offset: 5.0. Mind bhangmeters equiped Police troops

  • No roads? Bhang will help!

  • License plate of Bouvet standard:

The Unsavory Side

1. Bouvet's Bad boys.

Every island has a certain bad element, but these Penguins are meanest, badest, downright dirtiest penguins you ever met.
The one on the pedestal "Hoffa" is the leader of the pack, as the distinctive markings on his pedestal bear silent witness to.
This band of particularly vicious penguins ("The Bouvet Waddlers") scours the south-eastern sector of the island for innocent victims.
This scene is characterized by certain sense of unease.
Barty (far right, briefly overcome by a spasm of gas, apparently) hears the call-o-the-wild and subsequently took off for the
beaches of Patagonia - where he perished along with 16,999 other penguins in an oil spill "accident". Sergio and Marge (left)
have had enough, exiting demonstratively, finally having earned enough to quit
the mob and start their own kebab stand on Nyrosa beach. The photo was
taken during a covert surveillance operation, ending in two drug convictions and one unfortunate shooting. (Photo: Bouvet Police)

2. Jez and Frank "The Cheese" going at it in the Pit.

This shocking scene of two proud Elephant seals fighting in the dirt of a Larsøyan drinking house, hints at a darker side of Bouvet.
Bringing the Elephant seals into the pits was credited to the old Bouvet biker Stu "Renegade" Robertson, landlord of 'The Dodgy Penguin' on Larsøya.
When approached on this, he denied it saying "The damn Seals round these a bloody vicious lot, there is no talking to them. If one of 'em has his beer
spilled, he'll spill blood "
Whatever the case, the recent undercover expose by Det. Trond Trondsen (A.K.A. The Troika), brought out strong emotions in the young Police officer.
He entered the drinking house on Larsøya as a policeman and left it as Bouvet's vengeful sword of justice.
What comes next comes from his own report after seeing the spectacle.

"I stood at the edge of a pit 2m deep and 8m across, the air stinks of a dozen different beasts all drinking, shouting and pushing to get a good view of
the arena. The atmosphere is thick with an anticipation. A bell rang a clear note over the noise of the crowd and the effect is startling and reminds me of a dame I knew
once- the chaos around me stops and every mug in the place is focused on the low double door on the far side of the pit.
I hear the owner of this flea pit shout from on top of the bar: "The first rule of the fight pit is?", the answering chorus is every bit as strange as a primary school orchestra
"Nobody talks about the fight pit!". He clangs the bell one more time and the doors open... Out moves the biggest, blackest seal I've ever seen to a position facing the doors.
A second animal, moves through, I can see its a seal but it looks more like a big orange whale with a wobbly nose. Its covered in a lattice of scars and it moves with the
kinda confidence I've seen in killers all over this damn planet. The crowd errupt into a fury of betting and cheering as the vicious bloody fight
is joined, a fight the likes of which I've never seen in all my years as a policeman. It ends with a bellyflop from the scarred seal (who I later learned was called
'the cheese' due to his especially colorful cheese biter move) which bursts the sides of the black seal like water ballon, splattering gore over the howling crowd.
I wipe the splattered gore from my chest and leave while the crowd around me are screaming, stamping and cheering the victorious animal.
All the while promising that this barbaric contest, a contest outlawed by every goverment on the planet, will be stopped. I will stop it. Life is too damn cheap on Bouvet."

3. Bouvet Unexplained

A certain mystique surrounds the community of Bouvet. .... First among these mysteries is the puzzling and extremely
gory death of a series of Bouvet penguins. The photograph depicts the harrowing moments immediately
following the realization that Uncle Elvis had splattered on some prime Bouvet real estate.
Originally discovered by the kids, Fluffy and Duffy, their parents here are surveying the scene of death, hoping
perhaps to locate some clue as to how Elvis encountered this terrible fate.

Witnesses at the scene described a penguin
falling from thousands feet, a scene all-too-common of late. The phenomenon of falling penguins has been reported
in scientific journals dating as far back as 1723. Early explorers to the island were puzzled by
the frequent occurrence of small craters contaminated by slimey goo scattered across the entire island.
At the time they were referred to as "guano craters" and for a time the explosive properties of guano were researched on Bouvet island.

Recent investigations by the Bouvet Police, has implicated the Hoffa family, an old penguin bloodline going back way past 1723.
Camoflauged catapults have been located
Photo shows stunned locals inspecting the site of impact. Image is Courtesy of Bouvetposten.

Bouvet Business Development Authority

An aggressive development plan is currently underway. A number of projetcs are
almost free of the conceptual stage. We are proud to present the below graphic,
showing an artist's impression of the Nyrosa Beach is the year 2003. We believe initiatives
such as these help make our community more attractive to the general public.

Bouvet BayWatch

The Bouvet Baywatch Program currently has two vacant positions. Area of responsibility
is Nyrosa Beach. Breast implants and experience with stampeding penguins will be considered favourably.
Submit resume to Webmaster at

Police Action on Bouvet

Trond "The Troika" Trondsen early encounter with the pit made him bitter and the more he encountered
the stink of crime on the island, the more times he ran into Hoffa's cronies.... It came down to this : Busting the pit meant Busting Hoffa.
It had been a long time in the coming, but the time had come and it would depend crucially on the
timing. "As I always say - Timing is everything" The Troika extolled, as we sat in the Nyrosa
Busen, sipping coffee that tasted like yesterday's dish washing water.
"The whole operation will stand or fall depending on this stupid snitch penguin!
I mean, even while I was apoxy resining the camera onto his back all he wanted to know was if his old aunt
Tilda in Patagonia would be able to pick it up on her TV! That kind of pedestrian attitude makes me sick. I tossed him his 100 Bouvet Rupees
which he greedily snapped up and toddled out the door. Last I ever saw of that born-to-be-a-projectile penguin.
- Despite ...

PenguinCam: Wide-angle camera mounted on informant's back. The whole
catapultic flight was recorded and later used in court as evidence against the Hoffa family. Bouvet is seen in the
distance, immediately in front of the beak. Investigators were stunned to learn about the actual performance of the
catapult system. Says Nikita, Head Judge of the Bouvet National Court, "This penguin-dude nearly acquired earth orbit, man!",
as he waves his hands around like a prizefighter. Court records
show that a new "guano crater" was created upon impact, and the impact was registered on a DoD bhangmeter. Fortunately, the film was recovered.
As Zhumilow puts it
so susinctly, "Pengins are expendable. Especially eeeeeevil penguins", whereupon he laughs madly.
Photo Courtesy of Nikita "Prizefighter" Zhumilov, Freelance journalist.

Bouvet Island Total Solar Eclipse!

Finally, after 95 torturous years of waiting, we're finally having a total solar eclipse at Bouvet. Island.
In view of the importance of the event, we have decided to start preparing well
ahead of time. First, here are some physical parameters of the eclipse:

  • Date: 09.05.2032

  • Phase global: annular

  • Phase local: partial 0.9547 (0.9405)

  • Maximum: 13:37:25 UT

  • First contact: 12:15:14 UT

  • Position angle of the rotation axis: 260.8

  • Position angle to the zenith: 85.7

  • Altitude of the Sun: 17.7

The eclipse is in the strictest sense of the word "partial" (95%), but in a recent Town Hall Meeting it was suggested by Hoffa
that the eclipse be declared TOTAL, as this would attract a considerably larger audience
from across the island as well as from abroad. The proposition raised was at first met with some sceptisism on behalf of
the District Judge Nik. However, as the heated debate that ensued progressed, it
suddenly became clear that Hoffa would provide free beer for the event! The decision was
thus immediately ratified, unanimously. We are proud to announce that the solar exclipe of 2032 is now officially a TOTAL eclipse -
and the Beer is FREE! We are further pleased to announce that the Keynote Address for
the event will be delivered by Honorary Member of the Bouvet Astronomical Society,
the well-respected scientist, D.A.R. Simmons. Come one, come all!


  • 1. Steve "The Hitman" Hill

  • Not much is known about this elusive character other than he is a master of disguise and is suspected
    of killing several inhabitants of Bouvet. Who hired this gun and why he is still here are both unknown.
    One thing is for sure, the honest citizens of Bouvet will sleep happier knowing this psychopath is behind bars.

  • 2. Roberto Hoffa.

  • Roberto was a bad egg. He hatched into a sneaky chick which grew into a sadistic bullying young penguin. His maturity
    brought strength to his misused flippers and confidence to his sick abuse of Bouvetan society. He is a one penguin crime
    wave and his gang, the bouvet waddlers, are feared throughout the south atlantic. This is one Bad penguin and is wanted
    for every crime we've got a law for, plus seven more predicted counts when we bring in some new laws next month.

  • 3. Pogo the border collie.

  • It was once put to Pogo the Border Collie that he was not in fact a Border Collie.
    Although at the time this statement was attributed to the emotional distress of just having your family eaten,
    the accusation was not totally unfounded.
    Despite Pogo's aledged pictures of his border collie parents back home is sommerset, Pogo's estimated weight
    is a shade under 800kg and the finger length teeth and claws are reminicent of another evolutionary path.
    Recent murders by a large male polar bear on the island have combined with Trondsen's chance discovery of an empty
    henna bottle near Pogos place to cast suspicion on Pogo's shaggy dog heritage.
    Pogo is considered missing and sort for testing in connection with a string of ghastly murders, mutilations and one case of littering.

    Immigrant Advisory

    "If your name's not down - You're not coming in!"

    Mission Statement is unstatable.


    • WANTED: Night vision goggles, Magnums(2), PowerKite, BulletProof Vest, Snowboard. Call The Troika.

    • WANTED: Are you a LARGE aggressive animal? Are you looking to work within a competitive work environment?
      Don't mind getting your flippers dirty? Discretion advised. Call in at the Dodgy Penguin for an informal interview.

    • FOR SALE: Used Cars. Call Joe's Garage: "No Roads? No problem: We're cheap!"

    • WANTED: Medium yield, rocket borne thermonuclear device. Tracked at last approximation to be somewhere over eastern Bouvet. Call South African navy.

    • WANTED: Industrial-grade rubber-band. Call Hoffa.

    • FOR SALE: Ex South Atlantic Islands and Patagonian peoples Front Rifle, Fully Loaded with red "go faster" stripe.
      Depleted Uranium Projectile ammo, some batches may contain trace Plutonium as well (at no extra charge, for a limited time). From your neighborhood
      arms dealer. (Call Hoffa).

    • FOR SALE : Large yield, portable nuke. Two careful previous owners. This pre-loved device is perfect for all your nuclear deterent requirements.
      All offers considered - Call the Justice dept, ask for Nik.

    We are pleased to announce the event of the year! All Jazz lovers of
    Bouvet will be excited to know that this year's Jazz Festival will be held on Lille Kari Øya! As all of those who have learned
    to love this annual event knows, only the best bands from across the island, and even from Marion island, Svalbard arhipelago and African continent,
    will be playing. A full set list is found below. At midnight a Jam Session will be arranged!

    1. South Atlantic Salsa Band

    2. The Bouvet Shakers

    3. Marion Jazz Boilers

    4. Dixie Tigers of Svalbard

    5. Botswana Swing Ochestra

    6. Trent Trendy and Lisbon's Lovely Ladies

    Presented by: SAS, Dead Penguin Brewery Co., Hoffa, Optical Society of Bouvet, The society for the promotion of Nuclear armament.

    Bouvet Island has been declared a Cell-Phone Free Community.

    DISCLAIMER: We are Robertson, Shumilov, Trondsen, and we do not speak for Unis. These pages were designed
    so as to disappate creative energy during cloudy periods of the
    2001 Adventdalen Optical Campaign (The Bouvet Campaign). These pages are (c)2001 Robertson-Shumilov-Trondsen.
    This is a work of pure fiction. Any resemblence to persons, animals, places, or devices, living or dead, are purely coincidental.
    No animals (especially penguins) were harmed during the creation of Bouvet Island Net Headquarters. We harbour no grudges against
    any penguin, living or dead. No subliminal messages or images
    were, or are, embedded within this document. These documents were created under Red Hat Linux 7.0, kernel 2.2.16, using Quanta under KDE.
    The pages are served to you by Apache.

    Thank you for your interest in
    Bouvet Island. Call your Travel Agent today to make your reservation.






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